Thoughts Sprinkled with Dark Rainbows

I have been on a therapeutic journey for I believe three years as of last month. I went over many things with my therapist. My fear of abandonment, my father's emotional neglect, my self-harm, how to see my thoughts in a way that will make me less likely to not want to live and lately we're getting into the self-esteem area which is, like all else, related to all above. I have one secret, something I told my therapist out of despair and barely scratched the surface, something I've briefly talked about to one of my closest friends and it eats away at me sometimes. Have you ever had intrusive thoughts? I believe my secret is related to them but it is hard to distinguish. Do those thoughts make you wonder about the main part of yourself? Because some intrusive thoughts are easy to whisk away. "What if I licked this disgusting thing?" / "What if I jump?" / What if I try to kiss this person I'm not supposed to?" They're so ridiculous sometimes th...

Warning for: Disordered eating I eat Because it feels good, Comforting, easy I eat And I continue because The food doesn't judge me It tells my monkey brain I am tasting And it is good And it keeps away the human brain thoughts That life is a feud I eat And it can be such a relief When I feel it is balanced and filling And I'm not terribly weak I eat And I can get sickly full I judge me, I judge me But I would like to eat more Because food would never disappoint me I eat And I wish it didn't feel like a puzzle Where if I think too much about it I eat eat eat If I think too little on it I eat eat eat Where if I am alright I might. Not. eat eat eat I eat And it makes me feel happy But the consequences Make me angry They crawl away with my stamina I know they do Destroy my mind too (My first psychologist would agree.) I wish I could run for as long as others I wish I could climb as faster I wish I had more air I don't want to be like this But whenever I think about it I ea...

I am incredibly lucky. I have money, parents, a house, food, water, technology, music, I am really privileged, I am not an immigrant, I am not from any persecuted religion, I am white and west european. These facts add up to the fundamental superflousness of depression. I have been mentally messed up since my adolescence, the good grades didn't make me happy, no compliment felt fullfiling, so many times, love was...just there. It didn't add much to my day, it was a passing feeling to be questioned at any other time, it wasn't something that mattered all that much (It was something I couldn't see how much it mattered). But even these words are empty, depression is so known nowadays, a state of being that feels like it's perpetual with how many people are on it. It's unfair. It's frustrating. I would never say this of anyone else's depression but I must emphasise this point of mine: it is superfluous. My brain has everything to survive but it's like it...

I recently watched The Substance. And then I watched video essays on The Substance. And I am still thinking about The Substance. I am also thinking about recent election results around the world, about the ones making decisions for me in my country and I am left with continuous realization that no one cares. No one cares about women’s autonomy. No one cares about old women. No one cares about ugly women. No one cares about queer women. No one cares about non-white women. No one cares. I am not a woman, but I have the lived experiences of one, I am forced into the societal role of one and I can’t escape it and so all these notions hit me so hard as well. Unless I’m pretty, objectifiable, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a friend, I don’t matter. I matter even less as someone queer. I would matter even less if I was non-white or disabled. And most people don’t understand. They don’t. Why do you feel not valued when you have rights? Laws supporting you? They don’t get t...

I watched a video about homelessness and how it is exploited some days ago and I am thinking about it. I am privileged, middle class, with no issues regarding housing or money and I live in a west European country so I am not thinking about myself besides the seemingly distant possibility that someday I could be homeless too. Which is something people forget a lot. I am thinking about how homelessness happens and how it is a near cycle for many people in it, and then I found myself not knowing exactly how to navigate that line of thought, and I started wondering about a friend of mine, who is now hundreds of kilometers away, who I have no idea where or how he is and who, sadly, (I assume) still doesn’t have a house. I was a psychology student away from home and I met him in a random December night going back from school. Ironically, that night was also the night I had a terrible kind of experience for the first time. But I didn’t regret meeting him, at all. And it started with me s...

The other day a YouTube playlist I had was suddenly removed. It was named ‘cursed’, it had (obviously) cursed and funny videos. It made me incredibly frustrated how it was gone quickly, with no chance to take it back because of one video that wasn’t ‘safe for kids’. So many things I could talk about, but for now I only want to talk about how silly it seems but understandable to have something you build for a large amount of time be taken from you. It was never yours. That was never my playlist of cursed videos to watch. It was always YouTube's. I only misguidedly assumed it was something even partially mine. In a way it was, emotionally, at least. That was the playlist I made and losing it out of nowhere was a loss. The character from the show I watched who died? That was the character I liked to watch and out of nowhere they died and that was a loss. That drawing I once made that I can’t find and believe is now lost forever? That was the piece of paper I drew with pencils and ou...

Hello. Hola. Olá. Bonjour. You may call me Rain and I thank you for stumbling upon this blog. Please allow me to talk to you about what will fill these pages in the future. I might write about my own life, a show or movie I watched, a game I played, an internet phenomenon I observed, music, politics, the most abstract poems I can conjure, my cat, philosophy and about everything, everywhere, all at once. If you got that reference and want to continue reading, I am glad because media is something I will often mention. I can’t give an exact length on these, maybe somewhere around here, maybe more, maybe less. I created this to merely be able to share what goes through my head with words which value I will question every time I read them. I am not here to say much about myself, I prefer slowly revealing each fraction of my mind by displaying them online in this blog. Through these and the ‘Who am I?’ page, for example. I will admit I am a chaotic and stubborn pe...