To be depressed...

I am incredibly lucky. I have money, parents, a house, food, water, technology, music, I am really privileged, I am not an immigrant, I am not from any persecuted religion, I am white and west european. These facts add up to the fundamental superflousness of depression.

I have been mentally messed up since my adolescence, the good grades didn't make me happy, no compliment felt fullfiling, so many times, love was...just there. It didn't add much to my day, it was a passing feeling to be questioned at any other time, it wasn't something that mattered all that much (It was something I couldn't see how much it mattered).

But even these words are empty, depression is so known nowadays, a state of being that feels like it's perpetual with how many people are on it. It's unfair. It's frustrating.

I would never say this of anyone else's depression but I must emphasise this point of mine: it is superfluous. My brain has everything to survive but it's like it runs at a battery always at 70%, it can never be completely fine or if I have that feeling it doesn't last. It is useless. And I'm still learning I'm not useless.

I study psychology, so trust me when I say I want to understand depression. So many approaches, maybe it's my brain protecting me from life. The 'my brain loves me' approach. Not a malfunction but like with other negative emotions...sometimes the brain exaggerates when trying to protect ourselves. But again, it feels useless, because along with any other possible threats I can perceive, I become my own threat. My existence becomes dangerous to me existing. 

Where is our brain's protective mode? A pump of seratonin to put 1 good thought in our minds?

Well...I guess that is built in someone who functions well and normally, they feel bad and then can bring themselves up. Ah, it's a shame.

Understanding the machine in our heads will never be easy, maybe we never will, maybe one should focus on other things. For example, in how tired I am of self-hatred. Which is not depression but usually a part of it.

Really, to feel like you're rotting away, not doing anything stimulating and then instead of doing something good for yourself...staying there, getting deeper on it as it rips off parts of you slowly. Another positive thought, a neuron that compels you to do a coping mechanism with positive effects. It's exhausting. 

But, hey...this post is my attempt at not rotting away, even after telling myself that even though I know almost no one read this I had to meet certain expectations. That was never my objective, I work for no one but myself. If only I wasn't such a harsh critic.

I'm working on it, working on feeling exhausted but not seeing one way out only, working and progressing with so many moments where I feel like I didn't that don't erase my progress. I'm trying. I hope you keep trying too.

Thank you, be well, kisses