To lose...

The other day a YouTube playlist I had was suddenly removed. It was named ‘cursed’, it had (obviously) cursed and funny videos. It made me incredibly frustrated how it was gone quickly, with no chance to take it back because of one video that wasn’t ‘safe for kids’. So many things I could talk about, but for now I only want to talk about how silly it seems but understandable to have something you build for a large amount of time be taken from you. It was never yours. That was never my playlist of cursed videos to watch. It was always YouTube's. I only misguidedly assumed it was something even partially mine.

In a way it was, emotionally, at least. That was the playlist I made and losing it out of nowhere was a loss. The character from the show I watched who died? That was the character I liked to watch and out of nowhere they died and that was a loss. That drawing I once made that I can’t find and believe is now lost forever? That was the piece of paper I drew with pencils and out of nowhere I lost it and that was a loss.

Losses can be huge or small, from objects to animals to people, all with their unique kind of value and impact and while humans are capable of processing loss, it is one of those concepts that we will never fully comprehend I believe. We might understand the how, what, who, where but the why...

...I don’t think we’ll ever completely get the why. Why did this meaningful concept of a fictional character, of a real person, of an object, of a YouTube playlist, of my grandparents is now unreachable? Out of my sight and my touch and my smell and my temperature and my hearing? The other part on the side of this connection I had is gone. Lost.

Like the drawing, it might be temporary, maybe I will find the drawing again, but while I don’t, It will still feel devastating, the assumption that I will never find it again. The hope there is obviously much more palpable. And then, of course, seeing someone buried underground crushes hope. Hope make a difference, it gives us a drive, but the loss remains there. Although, maybe hope and loss never are completely apart. I suppose there are still ghosts, there is always the possibility to say no to loss and to imagine ghosts and messages from the beyond and isn’t that just religion in a way? The hope that masks our loss. For example, with a kind of religious people that hope would be that 'they’re in a better place'.

Maybe that hope is always there. Even if our concept is broken, and even if we grieve, we keep a lot of the times having some kind of hope and even manage to remain with our meaningful connection. With my drawing, I can always remember how it looked, same with my YouTube playlist, same with my grandpa, I can and do remember the sensations, how he sounded and how he looked and what food I ate besides him.

So, after all, maybe humans are incapable of dealing with loss because we never can completely detach ourselves from what’s gone, we latch onto it in healthier or unhealthier ways and we never fully move on because it all keeps being part of us and I think that is absolutely beautiful. I will hold on to the hope that I can remember some of the videos I had in my playlist and maybe rebuild it and I will definitely hold a grudge against YouTube for a while. I will deal with that loss without letting go of hope. Because I guess that is how humans are and need to be. Processors of all emotions and concepts for as long as we breathe. 

However, what do I really know?

Thank you, be well, kisses. :)

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