To be insane...

I recently watched The Substance. And then I watched video essays on The Substance. And I am still thinking about The Substance. I am also thinking about recent election results around the world, about the ones making decisions for me in my country and I am left with continuous realization that no one cares.

No one cares about women’s autonomy. No one cares about old women. No one cares about ugly women. No one cares about queer women. No one cares about non-white women. No one cares.

I am not a woman, but I have the lived experiences of one, I am forced into the societal role of one and I can’t escape it and so all these notions hit me so hard as well. Unless I’m pretty, objectifiable, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a friend, I don’t matter. I matter even less as someone queer. I would matter even less if I was non-white or disabled.

And most people don’t understand. They don’t. Why do you feel not valued when you have rights? Laws supporting you? They don’t get those laws were won with blood and tears, and that they can so easily be taken away even after they stayed for fifty fucking years. They don’t understand that my value in society is not measured with laws, with how many are prosecuted for killing people like me for the sake of it, with how many people speak not badly of me. No. My value is all around me, in the beliefs I would be less for being feminine, in the way I feel pressure constantly to look at how my clothes fit me, in how the numbers on the scale judge me not just as fat but as disgusting when I am not even supposed to eat as much.

My value is in how I need to remind people that I exist because it is so easy to live their lives without thinking about me. How I am just a small factor in their decision. How I’m just part of a small group of people and other things matter much more like economy. My value is reflected in others like me, in others who want starve, who are insulted, who feel ugly, who hate themselves, who are ignored.

It's not enough to even be a mother, a daughter, a sister, you need to remind. And when you remind too much, you’re fucking annoying and you should just be happy with what you have and why would you ever think that things would suddenly turn that badly for you, you have everything you could ever want, there’s nothing more than this, you have everything you and others strived for for hundreds of years and if someone is about to take it, that’s your illusion and your ignorance and your paranoia and your craziness, you’re a crazy woman, shut up, you crazy woman, why should I even be listening to you, why should I give you a second of my time when what you are saying is insane and perpetuated by those other crazy people who just need to wake up to life and get off their phones and go to work because when they work they’ll realize they don’t want to help others they will only want to help themselves, they won’t give a fuck about a homeless person on the street who can’t afford medical debt because they will realize how much more money and the ideas to uphold are worthy. They are worth everything and you are worth nothing.

This doesn’t come from nowhere. This is not based on baseless ideas I see once in a while around the internet. It is based in my wardrobe, the looks I get, the words I am told, the actions done to me, the way people around me are.

I feel so crazy. I feel so ignored. I yearn to be free and for that I can only thank the few I can properly trust for we find companionship in our small circle of non-free freedom. Of praises and tries at up keeping with what we’re told in therapy. Of trust and venting and a shoulder to cry on. It’s not enough. But why would I let anyone I have no option but to hate outlive me?

Thank you, be well, kisses